Monday, March 2, 2009

The status of your biography

Finding ways to avoid work, means finding new ways to create work for yourself. In my explorations of Facebook I began to believe that you could create a profile and even biographies based solely on status updates. Using that idea as a starting point I began the audacious project to write a dissertation like illustration of the uses and the social/psychological reasoning behind status updates. With phrases like “the peacock feathers of a digital society” and “the comment rush”, this has to be a no lose plan, but the reality is that reading status updates was hopelessly boring. So instead I bore you with the biography of Mr. X. The X is used to protect the guilty and comments were added for my own benefit. Mr. X begins the month of February.

Mr. X is eating his cereal with a fork.

Mr. X is feeling like crud.

Mr. X I will kill you if you try me for my Air Max 95's. [But they are not even worth 50 cents]

Mr. X Onyx was too awesome for their own good. [Not true!]

Mr. X is the first rapper to bring a platinum plaque back to the projects. [Is your name Nas?]

Mr. X is "Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers.” [There is nothing wrong with taking candy from strangers.]

Mr. X is laisez faire, I don't even give a care, let's make friday part of the weekend and give every new baby chocolate eclair. [What ever did happen to Moxy Fruvous?... Now the Leafs call me up to drive the Zamboni]

Mr. X left my wallet in El Segundo, I gotta get it got got to get it. [Did the tribe ever finish their quest?]

Mr. X rura penthe. [A penal colony in both Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea and StarTrek.]

Mr. X can make it rain, because I been making it snow.

Mr. X is workin.

Mr. X is harnessing the awesome power of biotin [a water-soluble B-complex vitamin] and streptavadin [a tetrameric protein purified from the bacterium Streptomyces avidinii].

Mr. X is staring into a bucket of pure, unadulterated, immutable truth. [And I was just commenting how I think Upright Citizens Brigade sucks]

Mr. X and you will know him by his shroud of pain.

Mr. X is fruity oatey bars make a man out of a mouse. [Firefly will not be coming back]

Mr. X Dwight Howard had me at hello.

Mr. X is napping.

Mr. X is ready for a classic massacre.

Mr. X thumbed a ride to school this morning, made a little lunch money.

Mr. X the game didn't change, it just got more fierce.

Mr. X ready for sleep.

Mr. X RRRRRROAW RRRRRRROAW like a dungeon dragon.

Mr. X where I come from having your hood up meant you were up to something, in Wisconsin it means you value your head.

Mr. X is top down, rims spinning. [More almost classic Rap lyrics?]

Mr. X now returns to a daily dose of comedy central and BET. It is March after all time to start things off on the right foot. So I did not find that dissertation in waiting, though I am sure there is lazy PhD student at a compass directional state university saving status updates and doing anonymous surveys on the meanings of their updates. One day this person will go by Doctor and will be lecturing students on how to read the mind of Facebook user or at least right their biography. They will follow this up with books and lectures causing the backlash of people to hip to part of something so hip…..What does your status say about you?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

What is all the whispering about?

There are people whispering in the hall. I wonder what they are talking about. Why do they not want me to hear? One of the two whispering is the girl that never works. She is always an hour late, and then leaves an hour earlier. You could say I am jealous. You would be right. I think she has a thing for the guy, she is talking too or maybe he has a thing for her. I hear something about parting too much over the break and something else about running, then something about leaving. Nothing to secret about this, why the whispering, I have seen the Facebook pictures. I know about there debauchery, I have seen her dancing on University, I have seen him with the girls. What are they whispering about?

Friday, November 21, 2008

The Genres of Movie Goers

The Horrorist – If it is not horror or at least have twist it is not worth watching.
Favorite movie-Saw, Psycho, Friday the 13th
Favorite Props – Knives, dismembered arms, naked girls

The Commoner – If it has will smith it has to be good, if it is not in color, English, or on 5 screens it must suck. They prefer to see movies opening weekend.
Favorite movie-Batman, Shrek 2, Pirates of Caribbean

The Indie
– Will only watch movies if they do not come out in mega-plexes or no one but them is aware the film exists.
Favorite movie-Harold and Maude, Funny Ha Ha, Gummo

The comedian
– they think everything is funny, well as long as it stars a big name star who is on there 5th film with the same plot. They become easily frustrated when Comedian does serious role.
Favorite movies - Happy Gilmore, Superbad, Elf
Favorite actor – Will Farrell, Adam Sandler, Seth Rogan

The anime kid
– Usually dressed in a Catholic school girl outfit or dreams of dating a girl drawn wearing catholic school girl uniform. They rarely venture from anime section of the local video store unless there is new animated TV series release party.
Favorite movies – Akira, Spirited Away, Ran
Favorite Director – Hayao Miyazaki

The soccer mom – Uses movies to babysit the kids and only G rated animated ones. They prefer to buy the direct to DVD sequels of movies because they are cheaper than the higher quality originals, often married to the Pay-per-view guy whose kids grow up to be the commoner, the comedian, or the Pathetic-ist.
Favorite movies – Anything rated G.
Favorite production company – Disney

The Patheticist
– Craving constant inspiration for life itself, the more lovable loser the better the movie, the Disney biopics were designed to cater to him.
Favorite movies – Remember the Titans, The Rookie, Dave

Sports Guy – Hardy watches movies unless the story revolves around sports, particularly baseball. Close cousin of the Pathetic-ist.
Favorite movies – The natural, Field of dreams, Rudy
Favorite actor – Kevin Costner

Pay-per-view guy – They are the people you see at the gas station looking through and buying one of the $1 movies. They then ask you to watch the movie with you so that they do not feel dumb for buying a movie at a gas station.
Favorite movies – Anything that is on pay-per-view that you have never heard of.
Favorite actor – Jean Claude Van Damme or anyone else that is past there prime assuming they had a prime.

The Elitist – They have seen every movie ever made or at least read about them. They will tell you something is great just because people say it is great and will claim a movie is great just based on what others are saying about it.
Favorite movie-The 400 Blows, 8 ½ , The Man with a Camera
Favorite Directors – Ingmar Bergman, Federico Fellini, Akira Kurosawa

Pseudo-Elitist – Similar to the elitist, but would never actually sit through more than five minutes of Empire. They are typified by your average Oscar voter.
Favorite movies – Citizen Kane, Casablanca, The God Father
Favorite Directors – Orson wells, Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick

The Chick Flicker – Is the opposite of the sports guy and watches only movies that they can see with there girl friends. No matter how obsurd the plot is they will see there lives in it.
Favorite movies – Bridget Jones Diary, Sex in the City, Pride and prejudice
Favorite Actors – Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock, Hugh Grant

The Down Loader – They are too cheap to rent or go the movies so they download the first available movie and watch it. They are not picky and will watch about anything, though the idea of not paying for movies and seeing it before it comes out in the theatre really turns them on.
Favorite movies – The latest comedy TV series
Favorite Directors – Bit Torrent

The Fanboy – Is usually associated with comic books, but is also know to talk in Klingon and own and light saber. They will often be seen at conventions with the Anime Kid both declaring they are superior to the other.
Favorite movies – It is not currently out yet, but they can be seen waiting in line for its premier and/or discussing the merits of said movie online.

The Cautionist – Will not watch horror, overly sexual, or violent movies. They are the last people to see a movie and only go if the movie has been completely accepted by the rest of the world. They are often seen in empty theatres with only ten other viewers all be cautionist and the occasional fanboy watching a movie for the 10th time.
Favorite movies – Titanic, Finding Nemo, Forrest Gump

The Old Timer – No matter what movie you are watching they will say the movies they use to make were better and will often refuse to even watch new movies to sit at home and watch movies they taped off of TV.
Favorite movies – Gone with the Wind, A Wonderful life, The Wizard of Oz
Favorite actor – James Steward, Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn

The know nothing – They never chose a movie but just goes with there friends. If asked if they like the movie they will always respond with yes.
Favorite movies – They don’t have one or anything by Tyler Perry
Favorite actor – You mean the people in the movie, oh Brad Pitt.

It goes bang – Never saw an action sequence they did not like, never heard any dialogue that seemed necessary, and plot now who needs that. Movie volume is required to be unnecessarily loud.
Favorite movies – Bad Boys 2, The Bourne Ultimatum, Transformers
Favorite Director – Michael Bay

I watch a lot of movies
– watches lots of movies, known for allways having one netflix DVD in the player one in the mail box and one coming to them. They see them selves in the same company as the elitist but they do not even pretend that they would actually would actually watch and art film.
Favorite movie-Almost Famous, Apocalypse Now, The Graduate

The Genericist – Related to the I watch a lot of movies person, but will only watch new releases. It is hard for them to find a movie they do not like.
Favorite movies – Forrest Gump, Sixth Sense, National Treasure
Favorite actor – Tom Hanks, Julie Roberts, George Clooney

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

My team sucks, but it is OK.

I had to make a choice; who would it be, McCain or Obama? It should be so easy: Obama. He is clearly more intellectual and more positive about the future. But I found my self looking for any reason not to vote for him. Was this just me being my contrarian self, wishing to go against the hordes around me saying that Obama was the messiah? Using the logic that goes something like this: if everyone is doing it, it must not be good, or was it something deeper? McCain after all is probably one of my all-time favorite politicians. He was and probably still is a maverick as much as a senator can be. He was a republican that actually took stands for the environment. He made his mistakes along the way but, much in the way that fortune favors the bold, if you step out on too many limbs, sooner or later they are going to break. Still the answer should have been easy. He had turned to the dark side; he was Anakan Skywalker under the influence of the Emperor. Things were getting complicated; emotions were replacing logic as a way to make decisions. Was I becoming no better than those I ridiculed for basing there choice on irrational unstudied emotion? It was like I was watching the Gators play the Seminoles for the national title. Why couldn’t one of them have just lost? It would make things easy, instead of being torn up by what you were and by what you would be. Growing up in family where everyone went to FSU, you become indoctrinated into rooting for them, but then you end up going to school at UF. All logic says that you should cheer the Gators on to victory; they are who you are and will be. Then why’s it is so hard and what makes anything about what team you cheer for logical? Maybe this was the key: logic is not important. It was time to step back and write my self in for president, logic be damned. They told me I was throwing away my vote, fore whatever that means. But if I had told them I was a fan of the Tampa Bay Rays before this year, they would never ask me why I don’t pick a team that has a chance of winning, now why should I start now.

I think that had written this a week earlier it would have gone something like this letter to the editor by Josh Burkard:

This political season has been tough for me. So far, I’ve avoided thinking about it by focusing on giving congressional offices an earful about the $700 billion they just flushed down the toilet.

Eventually, I had to make a choice. Both candidates seem to want to repeat the mistakes of the Great Depression, but my friends urged me not to “throw my vote away” on a third party. I didn’t know what to do, and I started to feel a little distraught.

Then I saw the ObamaBot and realized I was overthinking things.
I need to be more like that robot. Waving signs. Spouting prerecorded sound bites. After all, this is a movement, and everyone wants to be a part of something big.

Who could argue with the thousands of stickers and signs on campus? It’s time for me to stop worrying about empty political promises or the $35,000 of debt each of us owes.

It’s time to join the winning team.

At this point I could show the logic and the science behind why we desire to be part of a group and expand on the values of voting for third party, but why? Does it even matter? So join the crowd I will if only to see my team go down in defeat. Sometimes the loudest supporters come for the team that knows they are not going to win and they are happy with that. Just ask the fans of the Werner Southern basketball team.

In an ending note I wonder if when things have all been said and done, McCain will end up just like Anaka/Darth Vader and kill the Emperor or will he end up being another puppet of the Emperor.

Monday, October 20, 2008

A sherbet suprise...

I have a secret. I like milkshakes made with sherbet. Don’t ask why I just do. The server at Ben and Jerry’s always asked if I did not want a sorbet splash instead. I would have to reassure him that no, I want a milk shake made with sherbet. But what makes this a secret. I will openly admit this gastronomic choice and clearly the server at Ben and Jerry’s knows about my habit. Maybe it is not really a secret. It is not like I have been to area 51 and seen the alien bodies; then again would I tell you if I had? This is so confusing what makes a secret a secret then. has 14 different definitions for it. Is secret it self a secret. This circular logic is giving me a headache. Some how I think the question can be answered in a simple expression: Knowledge is power. Secrets are the way in which we try and keep the power to ourselves. But what ungodly power is hidden in the knowledge that I like milkshakes made with sherbet? Now that is a secret.

Or maybe this is all just a big mistake and that we should be living by another colloquialism: the truth will set you free. And we would be better off if just did not keep secrets. I remember an evening in which I was taking part in a “waiting for Godot” conversation, not a conversation about the play but those that seem to have come from the play, ones in which you talk about things that you were not part of even though they act as if you know. And during this conversation a girl was reminiscing about how she had had told guy that she like him, at which he responded, “It will be ok, you will get over it.” Seeing that they are still friends today I guess she did. The guy then remarked “that was a good day, I am glad you said that, people should be honest like that.” I should come clean myself and admit that I do not get milkshakes made solely with sherbet; I get a scoop of ice cream thrown in for good measure.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


Cliché – noun – (in art, literature, drama, etc.) a trite or hackneyed plot, character development, use of color, musical expression, etc.

It is so easy to pick on things that seem unoriginal, I mean how many times do we have to watch the good guy dodge a 1000 bullets. But at some point everything has beginning, a first telling, a point where the idea is conceived. For me it began with a cliché of a video. Before Spike Jonze was Spike Jonze he made the video, originally enough called Video Days. I love this movie while most people want to recreate the Seven Samurai, Annie Hall, or Citzen Cane, I wanted to be in this movie I wanted to make this movie (notice who also got his start in this video):

So as luck would have it I had a chance to make homage to this video and well it is nothing like the original, but it has is moments. It also became a tribute to friend who loves a good cliché and can never get enough of them. Filmed in a mere hour and no retakes were made, what a mistake. It is no surprise that result is a pretty terrible product. It needed a few scenes reshot and another five camera angles should have added to the filming, then again what can you expect, I didn't even bother to use a tripod, ughhhhh? One bad cliché…

Friday, September 26, 2008

Falling out of Love and Getting Stood Up

Do you remember the day when the things you loved doing became the things you did because you got paid to do them. I guess for most of us this is never an issue because we can never get paid to do what we love to do, but maybe we are the lucky ones. I can remember a night in between comedian performances I watched as a friend interviewed one of the comedians for a documentary. When I asked her what she was doing: she said she was making a short documentary for her job and it was there that you could see it, what had once been fun was now work. I had seen that look before; it was the same look I saw on friend few years after they had been lucky enough to get sponsored. They had walked away from skating and when asked why they said it was no longer fun when you working on getting better not because you wanted to progress but because you had to keep up.

In other misadventures….

So I need(ed) a ticket for this weekends football game and I did what all good ticket searchers did I went to facebook marketplace and craigslist to see what I could find. As usual everyone is asking way to much. I start emailing and messaging people with offers and no hits. Finally I find some guy selling 8 tickets, the ad says to call or text them with an offer so I text him. The following is a transcript of the text messaging conversation:

Me: I have 20 for 1

Them: Ill see you 1 for $20. How do you want get it?

Me: I am on campus till 7 but can meet u if in the area. After 7 and sat ill be in campus area. I don’t know what is easiest.

Them: Ill be on campus from 3 to 6. What to meet somewhere around then?

Me: That works call or text when on campus I can walk to where you are at.

Ill be on campus at 3. Whats ur name?

Me: Tim and yours? 3 works if got a location.

Them: Justin. Well meet at the reitz?

Me: Perfect down stairs outside at the tables in front of the frame place.

I think I may have been stood up then again they may have stood me up. I am not really sure how this all works. All I know what that was really awkward.